Sunday, 2 October 2016

wild mind

finally, i'm graduated as a marine engineer.
don't ask about how i feel,off course im happy but sad or sad but happy.
the question is what will i remember most?

so many things happen during my college years that shaped me who i am today.

i learned that everyone has a but.
i mean i already know about that when i was junior high school but this time is just like more expert on that things,like everyone is just terrible in his/her own way and so am i.
i realized that world is just terrible place to live.
and more learned about human too,to see people as a human,where as a human its all right for making mistake.
its okay to be mediocre.
i finally accept that fact. i used to be an ambitious one,dream to change to the world. (WOW) mediocre is always okay,as long as you being useful to your community. its okay if you are not to reach the top and be big people as long as you have big heart. 

overthinking >>> anxiety >>> pessimism 
i learned more about my self better,so much better. 

when i was little, i always scared before sleep. my mind whisper about 
how if there is fire on my house? where i gonna live?
how if there is a burglar come to my house? and killed one of my parents or myself?
how if my parents die? who i'm gonna stay with?
who will raise me up?
lately i just realized,how far and wild my mind when i was little
i already being an over thinker since i still drink scott emulsion. 

and until now,that kind of thinking is still same or maybe more wilder.
came when i was doing nothing and  in a couple of minutes i became sad.
what a wild mind.
and the worst thing ,is not about me ,its about the people around me who also affected.

to overcome,i learned how to grounding,seeing 5 ,touching 4,hearing 3,smelling 2 and tasting 1.
even though for me talking to people is more effective than doing 54321.
talking nonsense,just for keeping my mind down.
and through this i want to say thank you for those who keep reply my nonsense chat in (mostly) middle of the night.
i really appreciate,cause i never talked about this (about why i do nonsense chat) til now but you still reply my chat,that's means you doing  that not because you have to or because you feel pity for me.
you know where i'm gonna end up if i don't have someone to talk.

but pessimism makes me well prepared.
being poor
failed in love
failed on career
i already prepare for the worst case of my life.
learning how to struggle.
till you get old and die.
because sadness is permanent and happiness is temporary.